A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
You Might Also Like
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
This kid is a star!
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.