Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
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the three branches of government
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
the three branches of government
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.