Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
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[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
This meal prepping shit easy
Monday?
No. Next question.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
I didn’t realize that was an option
Do one person every day that scares you.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.