Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
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[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
My background check bounced.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet