If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
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According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.