Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
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Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
grotesque if literal: baby food
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.