I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
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It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
2023 was just a warmup
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
eggs benadryl
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.