[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
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*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
britain’s three elite institutions
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT