GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
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[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.