My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
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Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.