Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
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I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Coffee is ready.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.