Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
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“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me: