I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
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ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Harsh but fair
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.