If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
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my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!