When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
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*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
🙀🙀🙀😹
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works