Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
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You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.