Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
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[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”