This can never not be funny 😭😭
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My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.