Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
You Might Also Like
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Just a bush.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
The only equipped I am is ill.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me