My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
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Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.