[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
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[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Sunday
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *