Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
You Might Also Like
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
How to properly lift a body
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.