I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
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Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.