You Might Also Like
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Wednesday
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
(by @ZachWeiner )
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??