Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
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Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
My wife gives the best headache.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat