she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
You Might Also Like
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Perfect.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.