My body is a “wonder what happened” land
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If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.