Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
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I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
I got bills
They’re multiplying
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*