Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
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“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.