Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
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911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Grandmother clock.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else