1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
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ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows