*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
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I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it