I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
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Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
this came to me in a vision
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
😂🤣😂🤣
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Me when my alarm goes off
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.