escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
You Might Also Like
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
There is wisdom there.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
me hitting on a model
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”