I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
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This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Oh, I bet you would be
thank god the sign was there
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.