If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
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My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.