My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
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[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
I’d … I’d rather not.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*