[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
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Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.