When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
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*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.