2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
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kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
The cashier just checked me out.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.