Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
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I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Is….Is this an option?
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Good news
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”