This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
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Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this