If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
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you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
A game married people play.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do