I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
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2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Feels like the fourth month in January
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Lmao
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
The answer is funnier than the question
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.