There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
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When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
#Caturday
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now