Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
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[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.