Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
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ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
This forever.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying