Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
You Might Also Like
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work