[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
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I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you