Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
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Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
ok this is my dumbest yet
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Hmm, not sure about this change
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie